Reverse Culture Shock (It’s a real thing!)

Reverse-culture shock, also known as “re-entry shock,” refers to the psychological and emotional challenges folks may experience upon returning to their passport country after an extended period of living abroad. At a certain point in our overseas adventure, most of us eventually return to our home countries for a visit. Some of us may be returning permanently. Regardless of why we return, many of us find that time very disorienting and overwhelming. Let me tell you a little about my own experience.

Re-Entry Shock 

I had been living in Cuenca for a little over a year, and I was getting very immersed in the culture, putting a lot of effort into learning Spanish, and spending a lot of my time wandering the streets, going to various shops, mercados, malls, etc. I was listening to a lot of Spanish-language music, eating $2.50 lunches, and just generally doing whatever I could to accelerate my transformation into a long-term, permanent resident of Ecuador. So far, so good, right? 

It was around this time that I decided to schedule a trip to visit my family in Colorado. My first hint that I was going to have “re-entry” issues was at the Miami airport, where I had a hard time not speaking Spanish to anyone who looked like they also spoke Spanish. My first stop was at a Taco Bell in the airport, and it was a real struggle for me to speak only English to the Latino kid behind the counter. It was a bit embarrassing, and I’m sure he must have thought that I was trying to show off or something. Then I decided to explain that I had just arrived from Ecuador and that I was having trouble sorting out which language to use. As coincidence would have it, he just happened to be from Ecuador himself! We shared a brief laugh over my situation, and then I sat down and enjoyed my tacos. 

Then I took the next leg of my flight and went to Colorado. Once I arrived, I immediately felt a sense that something wasn’t quite right. Keep in mind that I had been living alone in Ecuador up until that time, so I was no longer used to being in a house full of English speakers, so hearing English almost exclusively was surprisingly irritating for me. As an unintended result, I began to irritate everyone else around me by telling them what “this item” or “that item” was called in Spanish. Then I began telling a non-stop series of stories about, “Well, down in Ecuador, we do this thing in such and such a way,” as we shop for groceries in a certain way, eat in a certain way, experience the culture in a certain way, etc. I had lots of stories to tell, and I was anxious to tell them. 

But guess what? They had zero interest in my telling them about my life in Ecuador. None! This both baffled me and made me feel like my family had lost interest in the father who had “abandoned” them to live in another country. Of course, this wasn’t really the case at all, but that’s how it felt. I kept pulling out my cell phone and showing them endless photos of Cuenca and the other places I’d visited, but the response I got was not at all what I had expected. Finally, it dawned on me – this was like showing people your vacation photos – and seriously, who enjoys that? 

Again, I felt foolish and unimportant to my own family. How could they have no desire to learn about their father’s new life? I felt hurt and alone, and I couldn’t figure out why. I could at least understand how showing them all my photos was not the most enjoyable way for them to spend their time with me, so I finally made an uneasy peace with myself on that aspect of my visit. Then I went shopping.

I had a rather long shopping list, and I took it to Walmart to buy the things I needed. I had a cart half-full of items that took me over an hour to find… and then I just kind of lost it! All the English I was hearing from the people around me and over the intercom was really freaking me out. I finally started to feel overwhelmed and left my cart sitting in WalMart, then went out and got in the car and started driving. 

Finally, I saw a Mexican restaurant on Colfax Avenue and quickly swerved into the parking lot. I ordered a meal, ate it very slowly, and then sat there for close to two hours, soaking up the Mexican music and atmosphere, and feeling somewhat at home. I told the waitress that I was living in Ecuador, and as it was a slow hour at the restaurant, she obliged me by letting me practice my Spanish with her. 

It also gave me some time to think about what was going on with me. I was starting to gain a little insight, but I wasn’t quite there yet. Freaking out and leaving my cart in WalMart? What was that all about? Again, I felt even increasingly foolish, but I knew that something was going on – I just wasn’t quite sure what it was.

For now, let’s dig more into the specifics of reverse culture shock, and later I’ll share my conclusions with you.  

Causes of Reverse Culture Shock

Expectations versus Reality 

One thing that happens to people who’ve been living abroad for a while is that they tend to have idealized expectations about returning home, only to find that things have changed, or that they no longer fit into their old life as they once did.  

My kids and grandkids didn’t really feel like I had abandoned them, but the reality of the situation was that Colorado was no longer my home. I was an American expat living in Ecuador. That was my new reality, even though I hadn’t been gone from Colorado for all that long. It was all rather confusing, and I couldn’t quite understand why I was having such trouble “fitting in.” I figured my family would all be willing “sponges” to soak up all my photos and stories about my new life, but I was wrong. I didn’t feel altogether rejected by them on a deep emotional level; we had a lot of enjoyable times together, so I knew that I still fit in, in all the ways that mattered. Still, all the expectations I had about my grand return from Ecuador to the home of my birth were all turned around and misplaced. 

Cultural Differences 

Despite being in one’s home country, we find out quickly that our cultural norms, values, and behaviors have shifted a fair degree during our time abroad, leading to feelings of being somehow disconnected from our previous lives. It bothered me that I had to drive everywhere! There were no handy tiendas, $2.50 lunches, large mercados, or much of anything else within walking distance. 

Then there was the lack of the social niceties that are used here in Ecuador. As a result, most of my interactions with other Americans in the United States left me with the opinion that they were rather rude and crude compared to the people of Cuenca. Of course, this wasn’t really the case, but that’s how it felt. 

Then, one unusual thing that genuinely bothered me (though it sounds petty) is the way the city trimmed the trees in Colorado Springs and Denver: It looked like a big truck with a giant chainsaw had just driven down the street and hacked off everything in its path. I had become accustomed to the way they trim trees here – like an art form! They trim and shape the trees here like someone would trim and shape a bonsai tree. The trees here are beautiful, and to see the ugly mess they made of the trees in Colorado was upsetting to me, though I’d never noticed it before I moved to Ecuador. 

There were a lot of other cultural issues that challenged me daily. These all figured into my reverse-culture shock, but I still hadn’t quite put all the pieces together.

Reversed Adaptation

After adapting to a different culture, individuals may find it challenging to readjust to the pace, social norms, and lifestyle of their home country’s culture. Life in Ecuador, I found, was generally slower, more deliberate, and, in many ways, more fulfilling to me. If you’ve read my article here at YapaTree about how I reinvented myself in Ecuador, you’ll know that living here has dramatically changed the trajectory of my life. 

In fact, I feel that moving here has not only changed my life but has quite likely saved my life as well. I was a very solitary person in Colorado and virtually anonymous outside of my family and my small circle of friends. My only real hobby was attending drum circles, which was great, but that alone pales in comparison to my life here. In the US, I was unwell much of the time, overweight, and spent most of my time in front of the TV or the computer. I was going nowhere, fast. Also, if I hadn’t moved here, I would have had to get another job because my military retirement pay didn’t stretch very far, especially when paying $1,600 for a two-bedroom apartment, and another $200 – $300 per month for utilities. I tried to get another job, but I had one big problem: I was in a very serious head-on car accident that sidelined me for over three years. 

So after all that time recovering, I found that I just couldn’t get a decent job. I was either “not current in my chosen field,” or I was overqualified. After months of interviews and playing the game, I finally gave up and decided to do an exploratory trip to Ecuador; two months later, I was living here.

Social Relationships

Relationships with friends, family, and colleagues can and do change during our time away from them. We all know the expression “life goes on,” and that’s exactly what happened to me and my family while I was living here in Ecuador. It was not like picking up where we left off, because that was now impossible. I’d been gone for over a year, and all of our lives had gone in new and different directions. Not that this was a surprise to me, but it did make it a bit challenging in my attempts to reconnect with them. Still, that gap that had developed in our time apart made me feel somewhat estranged from all the people I knew and loved. 

Loss of Identity

As I mentioned above, my moving to Ecuador led to significant personal growth and identity development. Going “back home” challenged that newfound identity and my sense of belonging. This sort of thing can lead to significant feelings of confusion and/or loss. But one thing I did do was start incorporating certain aspects of my new life in Ecuador into my visit to Colorado. Partly Inspired by the way they trim trees here in Cuenca, I picked up the hobby of creating my own bonsai trees and decided to make a few new ones as gifts for my family. This simple tactic dramatically eased my sense of “not belonging” and allowed me to somewhat bridge the gap between my new life and my old one. 

Still, I just didn’t feel like myself anymore. I suddenly found myself missing my new life in Ecuador, and I was oddly anxious to return here. I would literally look at myself in the mirror and wonder who the hell it was, looking back at me! I know all of this sounds a little weird and freaky, but that was my experience.

Suddenly, it finally dawned on me. I had heard about reverse culture shock before and began to wonder if that’s what I was experiencing. It didn’t take more than one “Googling” to find out that that was precisely what I was going through. I can’t tell you what a relief it was to finally see the light and realize why I was acting and feeling like such a weirdo! 

The pieces started falling into place, and all those feelings of loss confusion, and rejection started to evaporate. I began reading article after article, and I started feeling like I wasn’t as abnormal as I had been feeling! Lots of people go through this, such as those who’ve served in the Peace Corps, as missionaries, or anyone else who spends a significant amount of time in their home country. 

I learned that reverse culture shock is an objectively “real” and well-known phenomenon – I just hadn’t heard much about it up until this point in time. But one thing I learned was that as we start to become accustomed to a new culture, a new language, and we start immersing ourselves into a new culture, we essentially become a whole new version of ourselves! 

It was reminiscent of my transition from being a career military man to working in the corporate world. I was still the same person on the outside, but my mind, my heart, and my life filters had all changed to reflect my current reality, and that new reality was my new life in Ecuador. I can’t tell you what a relief it was to finally figure this out and to start re-organizing my thoughts and behavior in order to make sense of all that I had been feeling and experiencing. It was a true “hallelujah” moment for me. 

From that point on, every time I go back to the US, it’s a piece of cake! It’s like I have a “Colorado hat” and an “Ecuador hat,” and all I have to do is take one of them off when I travel, and then put the other one on. When in Ecuador, I do the Ecuadorian thing. When I was in the US, I put my new life on hold and allowed myself to re-enjoy the things that I appreciated about my old life. You’ve all heard that “knowledge is power,” and this was certainly a powerful life lesson for me. 

Strategies for Coping with Reverse Culture Shock

• Prepare Mentally
  Recognize that reverse culture shock is a common experience and that if you mentally prepare yourself for the challenges of temporarily transitioning from one culture to another, you’ll have significantly fewer issues like the ones I had.

• Stay Connected
  Maintain contact with friends and family members from your home country while abroad to help ease the transition back into your social network. This seems like a no-brainer, but it’s easy to drift apart if you allow it to happen. Take advantage of every opportunity to share time with them, and it will pay invaluable dividends.

• Seek Support
  Reach out to other expats or individuals who have experienced reverse culture shock for advice, empathy, and support during the re-entry process.

• Reflect on your Growth
  Most of us truly grow when we find ourselves living a whole new life. The experiences, skills, new hobbies, and new friends acquired during our time abroad are a major part of our new reality. Just as I did by making my kids some bonsai trees, look for ways to incorporate interesting aspects of your new life into your old one, when you go back to visit. Demonstrating the ways that you’ve grown and changed since you moved away is a great way to bridge the gap between new and old.

• Reconnect Gradually
  Ease back into your home culture by gradually reintegrating into social activities, routines, and familiar environments, allowing yourself time to readjust. This also includes not trying to share everything about your new life with your friends and family. Remember that hardly anyone enjoys looking at “vacation photos” or hearing about the minutiae of our new lives. If they’re curious, they’ll ask. I’m not saying that you should refrain from sharing your new life in Ecuador with them, but do so in a slow and measured way. Pick your moments. Ideally, they’ll ask you questions and give you a chance to tell them the things you’re dying to tell them.

• Embrace Differences
  Embrace the recent changes in your home country with curiosity and an open mind, recognizing that cultural evolution is a natural part of life. Speaking for my own home country, the changes that have occurred there over the past ten years are significant. But there’s always something good to experience in our homelands, so forget about the fact that you’re only visiting and enjoy the things you used to enjoy there.
  
• Set Realistic Expectations
  Understand that readjustment takes time, and that it’s normal to experience a wide range of emotions during the re-entry process – especially during the first couple of visits back home. Be patient and compassionate with yourself as you navigate this bizarre emotional obstacle course. Realize that “life goes on,” and that things change all the time. If you go back to your home country and expect to simply pick up where you left off, you’ll most likely find yourself very frustrated and disappointed.  

Wrapping Up

By acknowledging the causes of reverse culture shock and implementing sound coping strategies, you can better and more easily manage the challenges of returning (or visiting) home after living abroad. It can also help with transitioning to your new life on this end!

It’s my hope that this article will help you avoid the misery that I went through during my first extended visit back to my home country. Variety is a wonderful thing, but you have to mentally prepare for it or you’ll start to question your sanity! 

If you have any questions or need clarification on any aspect of this article, I invite you to join my Facebook group, Expats Without Agendas – Ecuador, and ask away! It’s a friendly group of folks who are always willing and ready to answer any questions you might have about life in Ecuador, and how to make sense of suddenly becoming a new version of yourself.