Disclaimer: This is a difficult story to read. It’s also very explicit. If you are triggered by sexual assault content you may want to skip this article.
This is a follow-up article to a scalopomine story I wrote a few months ago. The primary reaction this story received from the expat community was to blame the victim. This shocked me. How could we be so cold towards a fellow member of our community?
I’ve since spent a lot of time thinking about this. And, I’m not the only one. Shortly after this story was published I was contacted by another scalopomine victim. He poured his thoughts onto paper as part of his path to recovery. I have shared these thoughts with you below, but first I need to provide some context & hopefully help guide some conversation on this difficult topic.
There’s a lot to take in when you read this victim’s eloquent account of their horrible ordeal. Honestly, it left me a little speechless when I first read it. I didn’t want to believe this could happen in my beloved Cuenca. Nor do I want Cuenca to forge a reputation for this type of criminal activity - it will obviously impact the number of people that want to visit or live here.
I’ve come to accept these initial reactions as ‘normal’ and that they are most likely the same emotional triggers that lead to victim blaming. These are strong emotions that can be difficult to keep in check - many are not able to. It’s hard, but I’m imploring you to be open to talking about this topic for the sake of the victims that are crying out to be heard.
“The true measure of any society can be found in how it treats its most vulnerable members”
Whether the above quote is actually attributed to Gandhi is not clear. But, the meaning is. A newly arrived expat with limited Spanish that has been left drugged, dazed and abused is in an incredibly vulnerable state. This is precisely when they need support from their community the most.
You’ll see from this story that the victim received a breathtaking lack of support from his fellow expats. This led him to retreat from the expat community and honestly, who can blame him?
What to say to a sexual assault victim
I believe partly responsible for the underwhelming support this victim received was the uncomfortable nature of the topic. I mean, what can you really say to someone to help them through a sexual assault?
I’m not a trauma psychotherapist, so I can’t offer qualified advice. But, I can share with you some digestible snippets from the Pennsylvania Coalition Against Rape.
Believe the victim
Make it clear that you believe the assault happened and that the assault is not her or his fault.
This is particularly important when the victim’s memory has been altered by drugs such as scalopomine. Their entire memory has holes in it, so you can expect the story they tell you to also be incomplete.
Give the victim control
Control was taken away during the assault. Empower the victim to make decisions about what steps to take next, and try to avoid telling her or him what to do.
Be available for the victim to express a range of feelings: crying, screaming, being silent, etc.
Remember, the victim is angry with the person who assaulted her or him and the situation, not with you. Just be there to listen.
Assure the victim of your support
She or he needs to know that regardless of what happened, your relationship will remain intact.
Maintain confidentiality
Let the victim decide who to tell about the assault.
Encourage counseling
Give the victim the hotline number for the nearest rape crisis center, but let the victim decide whether or not to call.
In Cuenca, the only English-speaking option for both males and females is Hogar de Esperanza:
Address: Juan Montalvo 8-18, Cuenca
Email: info@hogaresperanza.org
Phone: +593-99-094-7611
Ask before offering physical support
Asking “Can I give you a hug?” can re-establish the victim’s sense of security, safety, and control.
Avoid making threats against the suspect
Threats of harm may only cause the victim to worry about your safety and risk of arrest.
On a practical level, the US Embassy has released this guide for assault victims in Ecuador, including the addresses of the District Attorneys for each province.
Help create the community we want to live in
My hope is that the above guidelines can help our various expat communities communicate in a way that doesn’t alienate the victim. I’m not saying it’s going to be easy, especially in the age of social media and its warts. But, let’s try?
I have faith that our community can have this conversation in a respectful manner whilst simultaneously alerting others to the potential dangers to look out for when it comes to personal safety in Cuenca & Ecuador. This is the type of community I want to live in and believe many of you do too.
Whilst we’re setting guidelines, it’s of utmost importance that we respect the victim’s wishes for anonymity. Sensitive information such as names & dates have been edited for the well-being of the victim, but nothing else has been edited. As tempting as it might be to try and play detective and unmask the victim, don’t. Just don’t.